Supporting Joy With Full Circle Moments

Some people spend a significant amount of time looking for closure. The inability to receive it can a create a complexity of emotions, including longing, regret, despondency, and resentment. So, closure becomes the cure. "If only we can get closure, then we will…" "If we get closure, they will finally…"

It makes sense in our minds. But our realities reflect the lack of fulfillment rather than what seems to make sense. I’ve experienced this. With realizing it, I made closure the mark of success and the indicator of maturity. But it’s not.

Our level of acceptance for people, places, things, and event as they are determines how much closure we actually experience.

5 Ways to Prepare Our Hearts for Full-Circle Moments

• Be open to the present moment. You don’t know what God has for you right now. Our only power is in the present, even when we're replaying things from the past or negatively anticipating the future.
• Let go of what you think you know. Chances are you only have part of the information you think you have. Stay open and receptive to receiving new information. Treat your experience as a developing story.
• Lean into what you don’t know with interest, curiosity, kindness, and grace. There is safety and wisdom in God’s presence.
• Surrender. Surender in the sense that you act with the Divine. This dissipates the wants and fears of our ego.
• Allow yourself to be held. Doing this creates a conscious connection to the eternity in our hearts and the energy of our eternal origin.

Use the image below to help you visual your answers to the following questions.

Selfish, Entitled Teachers Have Single Mothers Who Do These 5 Things

I know what you’re thinking. “Why is she picking on single mothers?” I’m not picking on anyone. I’m offering some tips in love so that we can give our children more than our emotional pain while parenting and mentoring them. Single mothers have it hard. There are so many single mothers who are doing the best they can do. But many are also doing these 5 things, and they wonder why they are struggling with their children.

1.      They try to compensate for their children’s father’s absence. I know this is not easy to digest. Yet so many mothers I’ve worked with (single and formerly single) admit that they deeply feel their children’s sadness for the absence (or unreliability) of their fathers. So, they do all they can to make up for the father’s absence or unreliability. If this is you, or you know a mother who is doing this, assure yourself and her that she is enough. The goodness of who you are as a mother does not depend on how you make up for the absence of the father. The goodness of who you are as a mother comes from within you. When you feel like you are going into compensation mode, pause yourself and ask yourself what you’re doing. Be an observer of yourself and gently redirect yourself to being present as your child’s mother. If you are not sure whether you are compensating for your children’s father’s presence, take a moment to list what you see other people do when they’re compensating. Then circle the qualities you see in yourself. If you recognize any similarities, know that you can change your ways. But first you must change your beliefs.

2.      They do everything for their children – including their homework. Stop doing everything for your child. This point extends from point number one and is extremely important. If you find yourself doing things for your children because you’re trying to avoid backtalk, an argument, or having to do something yourself eventually, you’re setting yourself up for upset. Instead of doing what you don’t want to do, do what is in the best interest of you and your child. A major shift is to set up the environment for your child to do what they’re supposed to do. But don’t do their work. If you’re doing their homework and calling it “helping” them, you’re not helping them. You are eliminating opportunities for them to build the executive functioning skills they need to be successful in life. Another example of setting up the environment is to put the garbage can by the door and verbally point it out to them. For more insight on this topic, check out my article on how to chill while your kids build their skills.

3.      They talk to their children about their fathers. Stop talking to your child negatively about their father. It doesn’t make you a better parent. It reveals that you don’t have boundaries for your conversation, and you need more emotional support than you are receiving to manage your frustration. Find a supportive family member, friend, therapist, or coach. But don’t talk to your child. Just because they can give you verbal feedback on the situation does not mean they have the mental capacity to recover from what you express. Many kids find out who their parents are very early on. Let life confirm what they need to know while you practice being the healthy, loving, mature, and clear-minded guide for their development.

4.      They make excuses to people for their children’s misbehavior and or choices – and they don’t address their children’s underlying challenges. When children (tweens and teens included) misbehave, giving a reason for why they do what they can be easy. But the reason does not replace or address the underlying issue. Instead of simply giving your reason, find out their reason. Your child has the answer for why they do what they do, even if they cannot express it. (Trust me, I know.) It takes some time, patience, trust, and relaxation to bring the deeper, uncovered answers to the surface. But they can come to the surface. If your child is making certain questionable, harmful, or damaging decisions, you will best serve the vision for your child’s life by getting down to the reason they made the decision. Sometimes, there is no rhyme or reason. But even if there is none, recognizing that your child is trying to meet a need is vital. Read the article towards the bottom of this page for why kids say they don't know. Remember, your child is a decision maker. Even when they feel like they don’t have a choice, they are still a decision-maker. Let’s empower them to be effective. Converse with your child to uncover their reasons. Don’t jump to defend what they did with your reason. Address the underlying challenge or issue.

5.      They trust and do not verify. Don’t just trust what your child says because they’re your child. Verify that they cleaned their room, did their homework, spoke to their teacher, met with their counselor, and took out the garbage. If your child is vaping or smoking, and they’ve promised to change their ways, trust that they can change. But verify with a drug test so they know that you are serious about helping them make the change. Your children know when you are serious and when you’re not. Don’t be afraid to verify what they said. It shows that you mean business and you don’t play when it comes to your babies.

For more assistance with any of the 5 points above, sign up for a free consultation here. I bless you. I want the best for you. And you’ll hear from me again soon.  

What Was The Reason?

Have you ever been in a conversation with your child (tweens and teen included), and you find yourself getting frustrated with them because they can’t tell you their reason for doing what they did. They say, “I don’t know.” Suddenly, you feel like you’re in the Twilight Zone. Cue the music. 

The truth is there are many reasons why kids say they don’t know. Here are the top 6:

1.      They really don’t know. Their brains are still developing. Although they have some physical coordination and the smart phone to do what they did, their prefrontal cortex is still developing. Research shows that this part of their brain does not fully develop until mid- to late twenties.

2.      They don’t want to tell you because they “already know what you are going to say.” They can predict what you will say. But it’s not enough to keep them from doing what they want to do in the moment. They’re testing some limits, and that’s part of developing a healthy sense of self.

3.      They are genuinely afraid to tell you why. They do not feel emotionally safe.  It’s not too late to create emotional safety. You may have to soften your tone, facial expression, and body language. But it can be done. Doing so can help you win your child to a relationship full of safety, connection, and growth. Your child could also be highly sensitive and lack the confidence to know they are safe in expressing their more intense emotions.

4.      They don’t want to disappoint you. So, they say they don’t know because saying they don’t know is far easier than disappointing you. They want you to be proud of them. Assure them they are loved unconditionally by you.

5.      They fear being misunderstood because they have not learned what to do with misunderstanding. They also don’t have the life experience to know that being misunderstood is not the end of the world. So, not knowing while feeling misunderstood can feel uncomfortable and uncertain. We help them with self-understanding by listening, talking, and listening more.

6.      Kids fear what their actions will say about them. Some kids are clear on why they did what they did, but they are not ready to admit that they made a certain decision because of how they see themselves. Maybe there is an incongruence between who they say they are, who they think they are, and why they do what they do. This one can be mind-blogging. Don’t lose heart. Helping them to get curious about their core self-beliefs and their actions can reduce fear. For assistance on this topic, sign up for a free consultation on my website www.risewhereyouare.com.

So, instead of getting frustrated and yelling, “what was the reason?” get curious.

You can look at the pyramid with them and have them point out which level they were trying to meet. You can also say something along the lines of, “I saw/heard that you (said action). I’m curious to know more about your thought process.” Let them speak freely. If they need a little guidance ask any of the below questions.

Were they trying to satisfy a basic need?

Were they seeking a need for safety or security?

Were they seeking to satisfy a need for love, friendship, belonging, friendship, or inclusion?

Were they seeking respect, status, freedom, independence, recognition, or strength?

Were they seeking a desire to be the best that they could be?

Remember to validate that you see them and love them regardless of their reasons for doing what they did. Simply state, “let’s hear more” or “say more about that.” When you say, “let’s hear more,” both you and your child are listening to what they are saying. It helps their sense of self-understanding, which integrates the different regions of their brains. As you listen with an open heart, you will help them and you understand what’s happening. Verify what you hear them saying with the statement, “So I hear you saying…Am I hearing you correctly?” Let them correct you if you’re wrong. Love them while they open their heart and mind to you. They will appreciate you for seeking to understand them instead of jumping to conclusions and making assumptions.

As adults, we also behave in ways to meet our needs and desires. Think about it. If you’re hungry, you may eat every snack in sight until you are satisfied. Or you may make a whole meal and eat some vegetables while you cook. But the need you are satisfying is hunger. If you have a need for status, freedom, respect, or strength, you will behave in certain ways to get those needs met. The key here is to help kids understand their reason and not induce shame. We, as adults, don’t always go about meeting our needs in the right way. Lets us give our children the truth and grace we receive as we grow with them.  

As a Kids’ Life Coach, I constantly seek to see my students’ world and their decisions from their eyes. When I do this, I replace negative judgement with discernment. I also create the space for them to make the mental connection between meeting their needs and behaving in a certain way. When they recognize the connection between their needs, their wants, and their behaviors, they have an opportunity to decide how they want to proceed (that is, behave) to meet their needs. For more assistance with any of the 5 points above, sign up for a free consultation here.

I bless you. I want the best for you. And you’ll read from me again soon.